I hope everyone is enjoying some crisp autumn weather! However, if you are in one of those weird sunshiney places, I hope you are having a nice time too.
I saw a fascinating post on Instagram of all places. This was from the Farewell Fellowship, a community of Tennessee-based death doulas who seek to foster better communication and education around death and dying.
The post was titled, “How We Talk About Death in a Death-Phobic Culture,” on the fellowship’s Farewell Library Instagram page. It raises the great point that we use the language of death to describe just about anything except death.
A few examples:
My phone died.
I am dead tired.
I died laughing.
They ghosted me.
This deadline is killing me.
Now, consider these phrases you might here when someone dies:
They are transitioning.
They are no longer with us.
They went to a better place.
The patient is having a negative outcome.
They passed away.
This is so interesting to me. After all, language goes a long way in shaping our understanding of reality and the world around us. Words matter. I’d stake my career on it, as my job involves lots of words.
We don’t like to say that a person “died.” We don’t like to say that they are ‘dead.” While this can seem gentle at best or innocuous at worst, I think this is problematic. We need to think about and discuss the prospect of death in plain language. We need to prepare, particularly when it comes to end-of-life care decisions like entering hospice.
I am going to try to remember to use the word “death” in its appropriate context. This is a little uncomfortable because, while I feel OK talking about death, I know it bothers a lot of people.
Nevertheless, I think using this kind of language is important to emphasize that death exists. It affects all of us whether we are talking about our own mortality or the loss of a loved one.
That’s part of the reason I used “death” twice in the headline on this post. Yes, that was on purpose.
Encouraging conversations about death and dying is part of my personal mission. Using “death words” may be a better way to do it.
What do you think about this tendency in the way we talk about dying? Drop a comment and let me know.
Hi Jim! I love this topic. I am the CEO of Lightways Hospice and Serious Illness Care in Joliet, IL. It is part of my new employee orientation that staff may not use the words expire, pass or transition. Or any other euphemism! That as a hospice provider and hospice professionals we must lead the charge to not be afraid to say the word. At least at the office, in our notes and in our own lives. When we are with a family, it may not be appropriate. I have a power point slide that says cars pass, milk expires and people die! I will correct them if they send an email using any other word! Thank you for talking about this. I am always shocked when my colleagues don't say the word.
Jim,
I agree that the words we use to describe death and dying are linked to our overall comfort level with these topics. A lot of the phrases we use allow us to avoiding saying what is really happening. I appreciate the desire to say gentle words with those who are grieving, but being able to simply state "I'm sorry your mother died" also has the power to connect people in a deeper way than usual, more avoidant language.